


Size Matters

by Rebelwerewolf



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Canon Universe, Crack, Dick Jousting, It's just NSFW silliness, It's not really a relationship, M/M, Multi, Penises
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 21:07:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10839465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rebelwerewolf/pseuds/Rebelwerewolf
Summary: My friends and I were discussing how fanon Kylo always seems to have a big dick, and the dick jousting fic just happened. I sat on it for months because it is the crackiest crackfic ever. But I figured it could work for the Kylux Mad Libs event.So do your thing - fill out the words, then scroll down to read the fic. If you're really curious about the original fic, it's chapter 2.





	1. Chapter 1

1\. Item of clothing  
2\. Adjective  
3\. Noun  
4\. Noun  
5\. Verb, past tense  
6\. Item of clothing  
7\. Verb, past tense  
8\. Adjective  
9\. Adjective   
10\. Item of clothing  
11\. Verb ending with -ing  
12\. Verb ending with -ing  
13\. Verb, past tense  
14\. Verb, past tense  
15\. Verb, past tense  
16\. Adverb  
17\. Adjective  
18\. Adjective  
19\. Adverb  
20\. Noun  
21\. Adjective ending with -er  
22\. Verb  
23\. Place/Location (not a proper name)  
24\. Noun  
25\. Noun, plural  
26\. Adjective  
27\. Verb, past tense  
28\. Noun, plural  
29\. Adjective  
30\. Verb, past tense  
31\. Adjective  
32\. Adjective  
33\. Noun  
34\. Verb, present tense  
35\. Adjective  
36\. Adjective  
37\. Adverb  
38\. Noun, plural  
39\. Sound  
40\. Verb, present tense  
41\. Adjective  
42\. Number  
43\. Verb ending with -ing  
44\. Noun  
45\. Verb, past tense  
46\. Adverb  
47\. Noun, plural  
48\. Noun, plural  
49\. Verb, past tense  
50\. Verb ending with -ing  
51\. Adverb  
52\. Verb ending with -ing  
53\. Adjective  
54\. Body part, plural  
55\. Noun  
56\. Verb, past tense  
57\. Adjective  
58\. Adjective  
59\. Item of clothing  
60\. Adverb  
61\. Adjective  
62\. Noun  
63\. Number  
64\. Adjective ending with -er  
65\. Noun, plural  
66\. Noun  
67\. Adjective  
68\. Verb, past tense  
69\. Verb ending with -ing  
70\. Adverb  
71\. Adverb  
72\. Verb, past tense  
73\. Verb

 

* * *

 

 

Kylo unzipped his [1.], and for a moment Hux wondered if he was a [2.] [3.] with a third leg. Then he realized that the foot-long monstrosity hanging between Kylo's legs was, in fact, his over-sized [4.].

Not to be outdone, Hux [5.] his [6.] and [7.] out of his uniform trousers. His average-sized [4.] fit neatly in his [8.] [9.] [10.]. But wait! Hux was a grower, not a shower, so he yanked down his [10.] and started [11.]. His [4.] more than tripled in size, to a baker's dozen in inches, and it stood at attention, [12.] directly at Kylo.

Kylo [13.], as much from frustration as from arousal. The two of them had had many metaphorical [4.]-measuring contests, and he was not about to lose this literal one. He [14.] in his hand and [15.] his [4.] [16.] as he walked toward Hux. 'It's time for a [4.] joust,' he rumbled in a [17.], [18.] voice.

[4.] jousts were very common on the Finalizer, where everyone was [19.] well-endowed. The goal of such a joust was to touch the other person's [20.] with your [4.] before he touched your [20.] with his. This would prove who had the [21.] [4.], and then the victor would go [22.] it around on the [23.] while the loser would have to tie a white [24.] on his, indicating surrender.

“[25.] at thirty percent, and play some [26.] music,” Hux commanded to the voice-operated controls of his room. _Eye of the Rathtar_ started blaring from the speakers as Kylo and Hux [27.] around each other, wielding their [4.] like [28.].

With a [29.] battle cry, Kylo [30.] at Hux, one fist in the air, another solidly gripping his [4.], which was so [31.] he couldn't even encircle it completely with his [32.] hand. Hux had a different [33.], deciding instead to [34.] his ground, wrapping both of his [35.] hands around the base of his [36.] [4.]. His fingertips touched, but only barely.

The two men thrust their hips [37.] toward each other as the distance between them closed. Their erect [4.] swung between them like [38.]. First the tips brushed against one another, eliciting a loud [39.] from Kylo and a triumphant “Hah!” from Hux. Then they began to [40.] their [41.] [4.] against one another. They were still standing a good [42.] feet apart.

Kylo started [43.] his [4.] in his signature figure-eight finishing move. Many an [44.] and Stormtrooper had been felled by this tactic. Hux, having watched many bouts and [45.] their recordings [46.] in the wee hours of the night, using only [47.] and [48.] to take notes, was able to [49.] away at the last second.

As the music reached its crescendo, the combatants couldn't help but start [50.] [51.] to the beat, [52.] their hips in every direction, but mostly forward in [53.] thrusts. “Engarde!” shouted Hux, his whole body flushed with exertion, as he raised his [4.] upward. It easily reached his double-pierced [54.].

As Hux raised his [4.] like a baseball bat (or a [55.], for those of you more familiar with Imperial sports) and [56.] it toward Kylo for the killing blow, the door to Hux's quarters opened. “A new challenger has arrived!” announced the ship's [57.] voice.

Mitaka stood in the doorway, his hands on his hips, wearing his First Order jousting uniform that consisted of [58.] uniform [59.], suspenders, and, of course, [60.] [61.] boots. He was the undisputed champion of [4.] jousting on the Finalizer due to his ability to dual-wield. That's right, Mitaka's part-[62.] heritage had graced him with [63.] [4.](s), joined at the base, each just over a foot and a half in length. Normally, the First Order looked down upon those with [62.] blood, but in Mitaka's case, they tended to look up to him while on their knees or look back at him while on all fours.

If Kylo and Hux had been [64.] men, they would have surrendered to Mitaka, tied white [24.](s) to their large-but-not-large-enough [4.](s), and knelt before him. Unfortunately, too much blood had vacated their [65.] in their endeavor to best one another, and, without a single [66.], they both turned toward the [67.] competitor.

“Thwack!” went Mitaka's [4.] as it [68.] into Hux's torso, sending him [69.] on his back, legs spread and waving [70.] in the air as he tried to right himself. “Thud!” went Mitaka's other [4.] as it [71.] knocked Kylo to the other side, where he landed on his hands and knees.

Mitaka had single-handedly defeated them both. Well, technically no-handedly, as both of his hands had remained on his hips as he [72.] them to [73.] his [4.](s) to victory.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the original dick jousting fic.

Kylo unzipped his pants, and for a moment Hux wondered if he was a humanoid alien with a third leg. Then he realized that the foot-long monstrosity hanging between Kylo's legs was, in fact, his over-sized dick.

Not to be outdone, Hux unzipped his boots and wriggled out of his uniform trousers. His average-sized dick fit neatly in his lacy black thong. But wait! Hux was a grower, not a shower, so he yanked down his underwear and started stroking. His dick more than tripled in size, to a baker's dozen in inches, and it stood at attention, pointing directly at Kylo.

Kylo growled, as much from frustration as from arousal. The two of them had had many metaphorical dick-measuring contests, and he was not about to lose this literal one. He spat in his hand and pumped his dick frantically as he walked toward Hux. 'It's time for a dick joust,' he rumbled in a sexy, deep voice.

Dick jousts were very common on the Finalizer, where everyone was astronomically well-endowed. The goal of such a joust was to touch the other person's body with your dick before he touched your body with his. This would prove who had the longer dick, and then the victor would go wave it around on the bridge while the loser would have to tie a white flag on his, indicating surrender.

“Lights at thirty percent, and play some mood music,” Hux commanded to the voice-operated controls of his room. _Eye of the Rathtar_ started blaring from the speakers as Kylo and Hux circled around each other, wielding their dicks like weapons.

With a loud battle cry, Kylo charged at Hux, one fist in the air, another solidly gripping his shaft, which was so thick he couldn't even encircle it completely with his enormous hand. Hux had a different strategy, deciding instead to stand his ground, wrapping both of his slim hands around the base of his girthy dick. His fingertips touched, but only barely.

The two men thrust their hips wildly toward each other as the distance between them closed. Their erect dicks swung between them like baguettes. First the tips brushed against one another, eliciting a loud moan from Kylo and a triumphant “Hah!” from Hux. Then they began to rub their long shafts against one another. They were still standing a good two feet apart.

Kylo started spinning his dick in his signature figure-eight finishing move. Many an officer and Stormtrooper had been felled by this tactic. Hux, having watched many bouts and studied their recordings extensively in the wee hours of the night, using only lotion and tissues to take notes, was able to dance away at the last second.

As the music reached its crescendo, the combatants couldn't help but start swaying erratically to the beat, shaking their hips in every direction, but mostly forward in short thrusts. “Engarde!” shouted Hux, his whole body flushed with exertion, as he raised his dick upward. It easily reached his double-pierced nipples.

As Hux raised his dick like a baseball bat (or a cricket bat, for those of you more familiar with Imperial sports) and swung it toward Kylo for the killing blow, the door to Hux's quarters opened. “A new challenger has arrived!” announced the ship's mechanical voice.

Mitaka stood in the doorway, his hands on his hips, wearing his First Order jousting uniform that consisted of crotchless uniform pants, suspenders, and, of course, highly polished boots. He was the undisputed champion of dick jousting on the Finalizer due to his ability to dual-wield. That's right, Mitaka's part-alien heritage had graced him with two dicks, joined at the base, each just over a foot and a half in length. Normally, the First Order looked down upon those with alien blood, but in Mitaka's case, they tended to look up to him while on their knees or look back at him while on all fours.

If Kylo and Hux had been wiser men, they would have surrendered to Mitaka, tied white flags to their large-but-not-large-enough dicks, and knelt before him. Unfortunately, too much blood had vacated their brains in their endeavor to best one another, and, without a single word, they both turned toward the new competitor.

“Thwack!” went Mitaka's dick as it smacked into Hux's torso, sending him sprawling on his back, legs spread and waving frantically in the air as he tried to right himself. “Thud!” went Mitaka's other dick as it solidly knocked Kylo to the other side, where he landed on his hands and knees.

Mitaka had single-handedly defeated them both. Well, technically no-handedly, as both of his hands had remained on his hips as he gyrated them to flail his dicks to victory.


End file.
